i've started having dreams about you again

i dont know if thats a good thing.

So I'm with Ali in Cold-As-Fuck Connecticut

it's actually really refreshing.

The surprise was perfect.

We got her face on videotape.

I'm determined to purchase a journal while I'm here.

We're leaving for Stowe, Vermont around Wednesday.

Stowe will be much colder.

There's a storm coming in on New Years. Joy.

I'm predicting that my lips will bleed by the time I return to California.

I have so many healthy resolutions :]

This next year will be promising I think.

i have so much need

and it's something I can't satisfy.

fate needs to deal me the queen of hearts before I start thinking too much.

Melissa Etheridge's form of xena fanfiction...

because we all need to appease the obsession gods somehow.

I've Loved You Before--Lyrics.

I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I have never needing more
I get this feeling I've loved you before

We were lovers in an army,
marching all for Rome.
side by side in battle,
did we bravely leave our home?
Did I hold you in my arms,
as you were taking your last breath?
Did shout to all the gods,
that I would love you beyond death?
I swear I've loved you before.

Did we hide in the dark ages,
from a vengeful god above?
Were our names too unfamiliar,
to ever speak of love?
Did I cling to every moment with you,
in every parting glance?
An accidental touch,
did we ever take the chance?
I know I've loved you before.

Have I wandered through the desert?
Have I looked and learned all the stars?
Have I rode the days and nights on rails,
to get back where you are?
And every time I foundered,
it's your eyes I know for sure.

When I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I never wanting more.
I get this feeling.
I know I've loved you before.

I know I've loved you before
I've loved you before

my lifelong dream of meeting Amber Tamblyn

seems so excruciatingly close,

especially when I keep seeing facebook photos of her with Mindy Nettifee.

For some reason, it makes her seem more attainable.

I'm only one human connection away from living out my lifelong dream.

and it's killing me.

i cant get enough.

"There is a difference between an unwanted aggressive pawing, and a much desired exploratory caress."

HAHAHAHA.

conflict

A lot of me wants to be open to love in new places.

but a lot of me is also scared shitless.

believe it or not.

Avalon (formerly known as Bus Girl)

i think i kinda like you.

which means that recovery is a tangible goal.

I shall overcome you, Love Addiction!

Google this: Bokonon (specifically Wampeter)

i need to replace that 65 percent of me that is You,

and let you shrink down to an itty bitty 5 percent,

so that I can fill the rest of myself with new ideas, new discoveries,

and new hope for a healthier future.

i loved you then, and i love you now, but i won't let you be my "wampeter" forever.

i'm sorry.

Castine the Dance Queen

is possibly the nicest person on the face of the earth.

just thought she deserved a shout-out, even if she doesn't read my blog.

come back, go home.

turn off the set

turn off the volume

stay where you are

come closer

come over

watch brilliance with me.

moist

New Mexico has dry crusty-nose weather, and although the smell of chilis is intoxicating, I'm glad to be home.

p.s. Hallelujah--Allison Crowe (it's been on repeat for the past 3 days)

i think that someday....

i'm going to make someone really happy.

i like understanding

why i am the way that i am.

I thank the cosmic universe for sending you in my direction...

even if my hip is sore.

so basically...

I'm really pleased with life right now.

Even though I've come to realize that I am a "Love Addict" which is a diagnosable personality issue. I read a book on it, and I have all of the symptoms except for childhood abandonment. Frankly, I had the picture perfect childhood, which should make me issue-less, but somehow I still managed to have some sort of problem.

The Love Addict is obsessive, intense, and far too attached. This is supposed to stem from childhood abandonment, but it probably just stems from some other past even that I haven't thought of yet. Apparently, the most tragic aspect of being a Love Addict is that they are instantly attracted to the Love Avoidant. The Love Avoidant is seductive and charming, but unable to provide the emotional support that the Love Addict needs. So basically, I'm fucked.

But, I don't mind being a Love Addict, and I think it's a crucial part of my personality. I wouldn't be Courtney if I didn't get an endorphin charge every time I saw my shimmering Love Avoidant. So, I'm going to continue to read this book in order to get an idea of what I should be looking for in future relationships.

At the moment, I am lacking in the Love Addiction department because there really isn't anyone that's making me swoon. So I don't think I have much to worry about.

Also, despite what this book says, I still like the idea of a dysfunctional relationship mending itself and blooming into a loving healthy one. It's romantic. I may just completely disregard this book altogether, because I'm sure I'll find myself analyzing everyone I like in order to discern if they're a Love Avoidant or not. That would be time consuming and dumb.

Also, who would want to give up jsoosch?

My Hands...

smell like San Francisco. 

Currently listening to: Joga by Bjork

Currently reading: A Clockwork Orange

Currently excited about: My computer's new nose job....or facejob. 

Currently crying about: massive amounts of homework

Currently getting annoyed with: the amount of times the word "currently" appears in this post. And Toby, the stray cat girl who whines outside your window. 

Is it sad...

that when I go to sleep, I put a large pillow underneath the covers so that it feels like there's a warm fluffy body sleeping next to me? 

hello again Nostalgia,

you don't make me cry anymore. 

and sometimes, i actually convince myself that I like you. 

thanks for the dead arm.

i have a bruise. 

*

You are Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man on crinkled grass,

except you are not a man,

and you are not naked,

but you are legendary

to me. 

on story writing

i've decided to just write my favorite scenes, or whatever scenes i'm in the mood for, or inspired to write. Then, I can just piece them together in an artistically nonsensical way. 

win. 

i'll probably regret posting this later

but I need to let it all out. 

OH MY GOODNESS, the most attractive lady walked into starbux with her multicolored tegan and sara hair. 

she smiled at me

and it was glorious. 

Then I did what I do in all adrenaline-surging situations: I paced around the store aimlessly and snuck a peek at her every time I lapped the center divider. 

Then she left and I kicked myself for not starting up a polite conversation....

lightbulb.

i just realized that i am in need of a gay lady friend. 

because there's just some things that the straight and narrow simply couldn't appreciate. 

long heart-wrenching post.

imma miss the pancakes. 

like a lot. 

i'll put this in a respectable poetic format later. 

this post will just leave you frustrated.

i just heard the most ridiculous phrase in the most precarious of situations. 

i can't stop laughing. 

i would blog about it if it wasn't so naughty. 

so i'm going to suppress my urge to splurge the info. 

but i needed to document the day, and thus, this post was born. 

it's unfortunate

that my mother will never fully understand me. 

p.s. i know that sounds like the teenage cliche, but its ever so appropriate. 

.

sometimes i convince myself that i'm charming. 

i don't forget about you, i just wait for you to call first sometimes...

there's something wrong

with this situation. 

come find me

on the wall

because it's been too long. 

i need a healthy dose

of sarcasm, because 

my half of our conjoined soul

is feeling lost. 

a summer without your smile

was far too long. 

me and chase

have officially watched 132 episodes. 

each one 40 minutes long. 

that's 5,280 minutes of our lives spent oggling over lucy lawless. 

we reached the finale. it was emotional. 

it ended a summer-long journey that we embarked on with determination and zeal. 

that box set was the best thing i've ever purchased. 

definitely well worth the emotional turmoil. 

all I have to say is...

Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai!!!!!!!!

i used to love you to the point

where even if I had discovered that you killed puppies just for laughs, 

i'd still think you were made of angel tears and rainbows. 

i miss those times of unrequited devotion...

call me crazy

but I really don't get tired of seeing you. 

The Vulture

you are rodents

with frayed feathers

cane-top beaks and

hunch-back postures

 

lusting for decay

 

you feast upon the flesh of the dead

circling the skies with grim intent.

 

you are not beautiful

or majestic—

there is no melody in your soul

to soothe the hearts of children

 

but you are faithful.

 

humans are the evolved

the intelligent

and the emotional

 

yet you have perfected commitment.

 

you are nature’s derelicts

but masters of tethered souls and kindred spirits.

 

you live the human vows: till death do we part

with honor and fidelity

while we make promises of forever

with crossed fingers.

 

you are the vultures

lusting for decay

but with unbreakable bonds

 

and we should be ashamed.

 

 

 

it's ironic...

how i only noticed how beautiful you were after you left. 

i hope you find happiness in Pennsylvania. 

you were a pleasantly unexpected friend  :]

it sucks that i feel so creative

when i have all of this school work to do. 

maybe the suppressed creativity will seep into my dreams 

and i'll wake up smiling. 

it's all playing in my head

a sequence of events and actions that shaped who I've become, 

and if my memories were recorded, 

i could show you, in a single strip of film

the rapture, the confusion, and the shadows 

all in those facial expressions

in my eyebrows, 

in between the lines of your eyes

the promises and the distant light

cascading down cliffs and presenting itself

in the humblest manner, 

the forests of man-made trees

and the sunsets along the mediterranean 

that pleaded for me to notice their beauty 

when beauty was a past-tense concept to me. 

you would see the moments of honest friendship

underneath green umbrellas 

and plaster ceilings adorned with stars and mushrooms, 

the moments of guilty pleasure

in the form of a leather-clad bird 

and its amber companion

days of caffeine consumption

and nature hikes to suburban grasslands

under the orange county sun

that scorched me in all the wrong places. 

you could see the passion of understanding 

in my actions, before my days hollowed out

and echoed lost love

the times when I visited my inspiration 

in a small room at the end of the hallway

just to feel at home in my own skin

and when the symphonies of new music

became a life force, 

driving me into each day

with audio images that fed my need to 

feel something beyond words.

but I feel nothing, 

and all I see now 

is a goddamn clip show. 

the summer is coming to a close

and i'm not ready to start thinking again. 

August 25th is going to be the start of the biggest lifestyle change i've ever encountered. 

Lately, I've been contemplating what I really want to do with my life, and I always come back to writing. I know what I want to be, but do I have the right mixture of talent, luck, and motivation necessary to succeed? 

I hope this new school helps me figure things out, although I know the doors it will open could easily push me into deeper befuddlement. 

befuddlement is a good word. 

blurg.

i dont know if it's the coffee, or just my own natural will, but for some reason i feel like babblevomiting all over my blog. 

i saw a thong on the side of the road today, when i was walking to starbux.

i was wondering if it was a sign of some sorts, like when the ancient greeks used to look for birds of prey as nature's signal for war. 

maybe it was fate's way of telling me that i need to get a thong...

i sure hope not. 

i got my new nerd glasses. i dont feel as confident in them as my previous pair. 

not sure why though....

starbux has been treating me well. whenever i walk in there's always someone to chat with or make fun of. 

i'm proud to say that i am an integrated member of the employee family, 

even though i dont own a green apron. 

i'm reading The Crucible as a summer assignment. i think it's magical. the movie was fantastic when i watched it last year, and i think i'll re-rent it when i finish the book. 

i need new music. the end. 

i thoroughly enjoyed yesterday

ashley came over early in the morning and we initiated a mini xena marathon. 

we made pepperjack quesadillas and chugged coffee at starbux. 

we then had conversations usually reserved for stoners while we compared our personalities to the color of our coffee. 

we returned home and she made another pepperjack quesadilla. 

i taught her some karate ninja shit. 

she left and I went to karate. 

we did extreme summersault/shoulder rolls. 

i came home and ate lemon meringue pie. it was delicious. 

then i stayed up late and watched an obscene amount of youtube videos. 

yes, it was a very successful day. 

somethng whistful and melancholy.

there's something to be said for couples who can spend a lifetime loving each other. 

i pray to be a part of the small percentage who does. 

so, here i am, for the small amount of time i have on the internet

anyway, just thought i'd update you all on my european adventure. 

actually, my little time clock for internet usage is ticking, so maybe i should save an elaborate description for when I return. 

overall: there is only italian food here. period. the sand is black and sparkly. i have multiple glasses of wine every day. i have watched every episode in the sixth season of xena at least three times. not joking. middle aged men drive up next to me and offer me a ride to romantic locations. they are always disappointed. the water here is warm and salty. i have decided that i would like to spend a summer sailing the mediterranean as a crew member on a tall ship. the vatican is stunning despite how much i despise organized religion. it's really hot here. all of the gelato stands serve coffee and alcohol. there is a difference between "coffee" and "american coffee." i have experienced the greatest cup of american coffee outside of america. italy has no rules. without the internet i have discovered many things about myself. i would tell you about these discoveries if i had more time. the end. 

i am going to try and make a video out of the clips i've compiled, so i'll link you all when that happens. expect it around december. 

i miss everyone to pieces, keep on keepin on!

I should be posting about my amazing New York weekend...

but I just finished the entire history of Xena Warrior Princess, and for some sad reason, this is a higher priority. 

so basically, there was fake blood, bad special effects, and over-dramatic love declarations....which are all of the main ingredients to a perfect final season. 

I am overall pleased with my soul's decision to choose Xena as one of it's special obsessions, and no matter how many people scoff at my strange devotion to a corny 90's television series, I will scoff back and tell them that I am not ashamed. 

let me ask you this, people of the world.....how could I be ashamed of a leather-clad woman running through greece with her "best friend" and a shiny donut?!??! 

Anyway, I'm not sure how much internet I'm going to be able to find in Italy, so this may be farewell for now, but I'll be trying my best to check in every once in a while to get in touch with my lovely friends. 

My next post will be about my crazy New York weekend, and maybe the first days of my Italian adventure. 

Ciao!

thank you, annika

for revealing this masterpiece to me. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk

watch all 23 parts. it's worth it. 

so pleased.

the Very Potter Musical has convinced me that Draco Malfoy should always be portrayed by a little white english girl. 

hello world.

emotional status: steady, on the cusp of wistful. 

today's activities: made money whilst watching cartoons and making gluten-free quesodillas; took a three hour nap; ate a yummy steak and salad dinner. 

currently looking forward to: the harry potter premier; seeing a plethora of lovely people at mom's birthday bbq; going shopping for Italy stuff. 

interpretations.

chase: "What....umm...?"

courtney: "yeah, i know."

chase: "that looks romantic."

courtney: "yeah, that looks like a little more than a best friend kiss. But she just got married, so who knows?" 

chase: "oh. okay."

oh my goodness. my face could not have gotten any redder. 

this

this is chaos. 

dumb things i notice.

i'm glad everyone on facebook has titled their new picture albums as Summer '09. 

this generation is quite the creative bunch. 

i'm sunburnt

and waiting for dad to bring me home a chocolate eclair. 

today i plan to be the opposite of productive. 

me being pathetic.

i hurt so much right now. 

i think it's because i know exactly what i'm missing out on. 

...and it doesn't help that i'm suffocating in nostalgia. 

Coffee Thoughts at 12:27

here I sit

surrounded by the hum of 

thirsty tongues

and I watch, I wait, I listen

in this chair I have 

bantered with quick-witted customers

poured my visions upon pixilated paper

and tapped into addiction

this place is my living room

and the fire burns behind the bar

my people, my friends, my transients, 

share with me

an unlikely home

inside these walls

I have explored my future

with words and gestures

testing my talent

and here, in this place, this is where

my past comes to remind me of who

really lies beneath all this skin

these wide windows 

hold in machine-made air

and it's always cold in my living room

to remind me that I 

can't stay here forever, 

and another place of comfort

craves for my return

this back table

mahogany and matching chairs

cradles me when words don't come

when words aren't enough

and oh, if tables could talk

pandora's box would 

look like a parlor trick

when the storms of myself

could swallow the sun. 

chin up

disappointment feels like rocks at the bottom of your stomach. 

(no, not pop rocks. those are tingly and delicious)

disappointment is just another indication that I still care enough to be disappointed. 

someone slap me and tell me how to turn it all off. 

p.s. why am i always asking people to hit me? I just noticed this.......

yesterday...

me, ashley, and chase walked to ZPizza as a trucker, a magician, and a virginal messiah-bearer. 

I wore my mechanic shirt and my hat with the fuzzy flaps

and ashley wore my red scarf around her head like Mary...or a Burka-wearing Muslim. 

chase wore my top hat and my sparkly black scarf around his neck. 

it was quite the adventure :]

there's a girl

in my dramatic writing class

who possesses an amazing ability to listen with care. 

thank you, girl, for catching my lightening in the palm of your hands. 

i'll see you in the wilderness tonight

while we spin into sleep

so you can tell me more about the thunderstorm you left behind. 

I feel counterproductive

because I just drank water and peed at the same time. 

landslide.

you feel the earth shifting 

and all you can do 

is dig into the dirt

and grab onto the roots 

of a ten year old apple tree

hoping those ten rings

are enough to keep you grounded. 

it really bothers me when

my mom claims to know all of the words to a song, but once she starts singing it, not one of them are right. 

i would be okay with it if she admitted she didn't know the words and was just fumbling along because she wanted to. 

i wish i wasnt such an irritable fool. the end. 

:]

i like that my dad thinks about me when he sees butterflies. 

poetryvomit.

My Captain stands at the helm,

silver rings on her nimble digits

they shoot from her lips

from her pipe

in misty perfection

only to drift over the water

and hypnotize fish.

 

first stanza of a rather large poem i've been working on. i just felt like posting it because i remember when i used to write poetry on LiveJournal, and i realized that this blog is lacking in that department. 

i have accepted

that this is just something you can't turn off. 

revelation

how did you spiral into the complete opposite of who you once were? 

i feel like i should be supportive of your spiritual endeavors, but i get so incredibly creeped out by what you say....it makes being supportive as hard as pulling out my own teeth. 

i love who you were, and you were an incredible friend, but there's no going back from this. 

i wish you the best, and hope that you find a happy medium that allows you to live a steady and fulfilling life. 

come get your board out of my garage.....

it's become a memorial of your former self. 

chase is no longer a Xena virgin

and he is now my new best friend. 

he loves Xena as much as I do, especially when she beats up bad guys with a string of fish. 

the idea of me and my brother bonding over this, actually made me grin for quite a while. 

oh, this shall be excellent. 

i think it's super cute

when my dad calls my mom Adventure Girl. 

there's an adorable story behind it, but i really don't have the time and patience to write it down. 

i hope my marriage works out like there's......

it's really something special.  

literary adventure, climax?

when a story spends 1,375 pages building up the strongest relationship in the history of all relationships, the last thing you expect is for an abrupt destruction of the very bond that the entire story focuses on, as well as the death to every warm fuzzy, tickle fight, and silent understanding.

this fission or destruction leads to tears, empty sobs, and mild agony experienced by the reader. no bueno. imma have to tough this one out for another 1,000 pages or so. fuckaduck. i am incapable of stopping now. i apologize ahead of time for future bad moods. 

just went through all my old posts

and I was less embarrassed by my un-amusing rants than i thought i would be. 

i usually hate looking back at what i've written, and even this time there were some posts that made me cringe, but overall, i felt comfortable with what i've posted over the past few months. 

PLAN:

I am officially replacing the word God with Lady. 

example:

"Oh My Lady!"

"Lady is the only one who can save you now."

"Lady knows all."

the end. 

$da moniez$

i need to think of ways to make quick cash other than prostitution and drug dealing. 

babysitting is good, but it's inconsistent. 

a lemonade stand is a bit too juvenile. 

my gated community doesn't allow garage sales. 

my poetry is not worth money. 

and i can't commit to an actual job because summer school is starting and then i'm going to Italy. 

any ideas?

...

the absurdity of this situation continues to astound me. 

i havent blogged lately because

i'm pretty sure every thought running through my head lately

will only create shameful embarrassment for myself

if expressed to the public. 

anyway, on an unshameful note:

--mandala was pretty successful (in my opinion, at least)

--i'm feeling more like myself lately, and less like an awkward bundle of random emotions

--been hanging out with Ashley, and enjoying her crazy presence 

--talked to hoovy for multiple hours, soaking her in for the last time until Fall

--played sushi night with Steph, and ate her delicious scones

--realized how much I miss both Ali and the Talbots. (must go river exploring again)

the end. 

i'm seeing hoovy on wednesday

to read what her 8th graders wrote about Muffin-Cakes. 

this should be interesting. :]

okay, i just had to post this because it made me lawn.

misfortune: 

"the next time you sneeze, a permanent menstrual cycle will be triggered within you." 

i don't know why i think it's so funny...i just do. 

i just want to create something beautiful

i have ideas floating around my brain, churning and bubbling and eventually evaporating, 

i just can't shackle them to paper. 

this is frustrating. 

GRAWR. 

there is nothing more cathartic

than telling stories about you. 

sometimes i question my sanity. 

I will become a sigh of relief

when this school year is over. 

yesterday was excellent.

aface's graduation was lovely, and i am ever-so-glad that i was invited. 

Danny, Joel, Ali, and Aface are wonderful. all the time. 

Cha for Tea was delicious, but mostly because it was celebratory graduation cha. 

played the most epic game of badminton. I fail at hitting shuttlecocks, 

but playing Gays vs. Straights set the competition level up a notch. 

After Aface's Graduation Party I went to Fridays with the starbux gang for Val's 28th birthday. 

I was definitely the youngest guest, but they say I'm part of the starbux family, so age doesn't matter. 

Stephanie drove me home and it felt like last summer, 

i forgot how much i missed our rides home. 

anyway, it was just overall excellent...just like the title of this post has already indicated.  

hey, you!

i wish you would open up to me. 

don't let it build up, or it just might explode. 

everything looks the same

this summer will be exactly like the one before it, 

it will taste like coffee, hummus, and pelegrino,

smell like sweet salts and moroccan oil,

look like opportunity,

and feel like the brink of perfection.

all of these things will be experienced by a new person in an old setting. 

i will be able to feel the vibrations and hear the echoes

of who i once was, 

mesmerized by the apple at the center of the garden. 

what will i become if change is inevitable? 

place your bets, the transformation starts now. 

ellen's katrina graduation speech. i pretty much just love her.

ellen common cement
by tehdownloads

I didn't mean to....

but i picked up little pieces of your personality and put them in my mannerism jar. 

sometimes i look in the mirror and see sparks of confidence that i used to see in you, 

and on occasion i will  randomly hear your words spit from my mouth like a hiccuping sprinkler. 

i wish i hadn't vacuumed up your little habits oh-so-long ago

because they remind me of a time when we used to talk about the weather. 

LAWLZ

Dad: "the baby birds hatched, you know, the ones from the nest in the grotto." 

Courtney: "really? that's cool."

Dad: "I'm so excited! I feel like a grandpa." 

i'm glad my dad can connect with the wildlife in our backyard...

it's taking over

it won't be long. 

i'm already embarrassed

because i know that i'm going to cry at this fleetwood mac concert. 

i've just realized...

now that i know you,  i need you for balance. 

my well-being requires it. 

and now that you're in, i'll break if you're out. 

i'm sorry, that's just how i work. 

i'm a human barnacle soul. 

One of my favorite Sylvia Plath poems.

To Eva Descending the Stair

Clocks cry: stillness is a lie, my dear;
The wheels revolve, the universe keeps running.
(Proud you halt upon the spiral stair.)

The asteroids turn traitor in the air,
And planets plot with old elliptic cunning;
Clocks cry: stillness is a lie, my dear.

Red the unraveled rose sings in your hair:
Blood springs eternal if the heart be burning.
(Proud you halt upon the spiral stair.)

Cryptic stars wind up the atmosphere,
In solar schemes the titled suns go turning;
Clocks cry: stillness is a lie, my dear.

Loud the immortal nightingales declare:
Love flames forever if the flesh be yearning.
(Proud you halt upon the spiral stair.)

Circling zodiac compels the year.
Intolerant beauty never will be learning.
Clocks cry: stillness is a lie, my dear.
(Proud you halt upon the spiral stair.)

there was a grain of sand in my poket

and while i shuffled around

at school

at home

at that familiar coffee place

with you

i looked inside and saw a pearl. 

i am no stranger to unhealthy obsession.

and i actually hope it sticks around for a while. 

i like the artificial jsoosch. 

it's far better than just another day at the office. 

streamers and perfume

backwards feathers on 

macaws 

make nonsense 

slip through the creases

and the 

trains near the city

are going nowhere

while i 

can't help but feel 

like a fool. 

the popsicles

drip 

drip

and i suck up the puddle with a bendy straw. 

i feel bad but...

i kind of like you better than the others. 

maybe it's because you're easier to talk to. 

but i hope you know that the amount of awesome you possess is astounding. 

kodak moment?

Dad and I slow-danced to the song Aubrey (by Bread) last night. 

i really can't imagine anything more adorable. 

he's so great. 

for fun.

Here's a list of people and the songs that remind me of them...

Ali: Wake Up [The Arcade Fire]

Aface: Prescilla [Bat for Lashes]

Ashley: Rhiannon [Stevie Nicks]

Stephanie: Let Go [Frou Frou]

Annika: Think Twice [Eve 6]

Amanda/All Talbots: Frontier Psychiatrist [The Avalanches]

Kat: Cry Me A River [Julie London]

Mom: West End Girls [Pet Shop Boys]

Dad: Tristan [Patrick Wolf] 

Chase: Comfort Eagle [Cake]

Lauren G: Silver Springs [Stevie Nicks]

Stewart: At the Hop [Devendra Banhart]

Mallory: True Affection [The Blow]

I just read all of our saved aim conversations from the summer and...

A. almost cried, not even sure why [i think the nostalgia was just far too overwhelming]

B. realized that we used to talk every 5 minutes

C. remembered all of our summer jokes. and they're fuckin hilarious. 

D. what happened?

come back pregnant lady!

i hate that you're gone. 

i feel like the ap world kids and the euro kids

are in this really complex silent battle. 

we both want to prove that our subject is harder than the other one. 

ap world is obviously far more difficult....that's all I'm going to say. 

I have renewed faith in mandala

not because i got poems in, but because the poems that got in this year were excellent, and I think this book is going to be a badass lovechild conceived by all of us. 

Harbor Tyme

I rode my bike all the way down to the harbor and then to the Ocean Institute. I applied to be a volunteer, and hopefully that works out, because I think I would have a ridiculous amount of fun playing with starfish/stingrays/jellies/mermaids. 

I then rode up to this small cliff overlooking the ocean and drew pictures in my new sketchbook for about thirty minutes. It smelled really good there. Salt, Seaweed, and....Oxygen. 

Next I rode all the way down to the other end of the harbor and purchased some ice cream, and decided to bring my melty cup of ice cream to the middle of the harbor, in front of Harpoon Henry's, where all of the funny looking people and the animals come together in perfect unity. 

I listened to music, nommed on cold things, and drew more pictures. 

Then dad picked me up. 

It felt so good to just sit down and hang out with myself. 

i'm losing faith in mandala.

this year is so different. 

My Male Exception

is a smarty pants, mr. worldly, listened-to-bob-dylan-since-the-first-grade, epic witty banter, superhuman dreamboat. 

this is the time of my life where i realize that if his brain/attitude are extraordinary enough, he doesn't need boobs to win my heart. 

i'm afraid

i got attached. 

goddamnit! the detach process sucks. 

i kinda miss talking to you...

where have you gone? 

she is so wonderful

and her adoration for me

is something that i will carry in my back pocket 

for quite a while. 

possibly forever. 

i want to use...

the word "molested" out of context. 

I finally watched fried green tomatoes with mom.

she really enjoyed it, and I'm glad i got to share something important with her. 

I feel that by accepting this movie, in a way, she has accepted me. 

it's crazy how sharing a movie, or a song, or a picture with someone special can fill you with such happiness. 

I have officially decided

that any 25 year old guy who cares about what a 16 year old has to say

is a guy worth being cautious about. 

the end. 

i have been shamelessly flirting with a fireman

I feel horrible mostly because I am using him for witty banter, 

when he totally thinks I want his body. 

the waterworks.

the pipes that keep the water in 

are breaking down

and someone needs to 

tap the faucet 

so i can burst into a million 

little droplets

until there's nothing left but 

empty broken pipes 

that need a little fixin'

and some fillin' up too. 

there was a sexypants lady at peet's today.

the end. 

p.s. i plan to make wednesday mornings a peet's coffee ritual ;]

I want to be as motivated to inspire...

as my 8th grade english teacher.

i admire her more than any other person i have ever known, met, or heard of. 

and i swear, it's the greatest feeling to know that you are loved by someone who represents everything that matters. 

some day i hope to be able to efficiently express just how much she means to me. 

pillar of awesome

my ideal love interest would be Diablo Cody's clone. 

If i date anyone remotely similar to the oh-so-talented and delectable Diablo, i'll be the luckiest bitch alive. [excuse the tacky profanity]

this post is about you!

you're a breath of fresh air. 

thank you for listening. and for caring. and for just being ridiculously awesome. 

i'm glad we're friends. 

i like you.

even though I should be bitter because you got what i wanted. 

i think we could be great friends :]

a change of pace.

for the first time since forever

i wrote a poem about me. 

not her, or a dream about her, or anyone else....just me. 

and it feels good. 

and i think it means i'm moving on. 

bahahah

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

...

i have the most disgusting urge to be tragic. 

something or someone needs to shake me up, toss me around, and leave me broken. 

firewall.

i can't even begin to express how creatively congested i am. 

i get lethargic and depressed when i have so much random shit to say, but no way to express it in an organized format that i would be satisfied with. 

i need someone to punch me in the nose and tell me to write something beautiful. 

her name is Lackluster

and she lost her allure. 

but now the world has no shimmershine lovetwinkle. 

I love it here...

but the pastel sunsets and swiveling trees are far too beautiful for me. 

this place is god's favorite child, and i can't relate to this kind of perfection.

i need the problem child city with its black lungs and pierced eyebrows

overflowing with artistic opportunity. 

So there's this new show

and it's called the Unusuals. 

Amber Tamblyn is the main character. 

The dialogue is dumb, but the cast is fabulous, and frankly, I could watch 10 hours of Amber Tamblyn doing laundry without blinking. 

She makes me jelly. 

So i'll be tuning in every week.

Because Amber is the messiah of all things delicious and poetic. 

the end. 

i like it when

dad asks me about the art on my walls. 

your apparent disinterest...

is disappointing. 

i need to stop making excuses for you. 

hey bestfriend

next year is a test

and the sun will set like puzzle pieces

while the waves crash one at a time

and the moon's other half will be somewhere near jupiter. 

you'll be sipping tea in trees

while i drink coffee with acrobats,

the world will continue to shift

as our soul-strings continue to stretch. 

don't worry,

I'll be waiting for you on the other side. 

i got into ochsa.

second best day of my life!!!!!!

truth.

Grappling in karate is like attending a really aggressive lamaze class. 

there was actually a pregnant woman in our group. 

she was the best grappler. 

I know it's time to leave starbux when...

1. i'm on my third refill.
   
2. my hands are shaking, either from the caffeine or the unusually cold temperature in the store
   
3. i realize that most teenagers are socializing with friends outside of their local coffee shop. 
4. i have wasted countless dollars on mediocre pastries. 

self-challenge part one.

i plan to initiate staring contests with random people on the road. 

since i don't drive, it should be easy to stare down everyone in the cars that line up next to mine. 

If they catch me staring, i will refuse to look away. 

and so it begins. 

she cried like wolves.

I had a dream that my pregnant teacher miscarried.

she looked like a raggedy-anne doll; jelly bones and wet pasta muscles. 

she couldn't keep herself standing. 

those big brown eyes were outlined with coffee-rings of red. 

her voice lost to an echoing whale song that erupted

from her heaving diaphragm. 

please, don't let it go. 

I stood still, a pillar of false-strength--

the bath of a still child staring up at me. 

my knees kissed the tile, and I honored God's tragedy

by soaking up all the red she left behind. 

erosion. corrosion. an aging butterfly.

I saw a 60 year old woman with pink balloon lips and yards of ratty hair extensions. Her eye lashes were clumped with mascara and her cheek-bone implants were uneven due to the many years of half-smiles and parade waves. 

She was Barbie's grandmother: the product of a misleading and material youth. 

awkward.

I always use the phrase, "I'm so angry, I could punch a baby."

I'm afraid that one day I'll say that in front of a woman with a stroller&child.

Godfather?

for reasons unknown, i feel the need to smoke a cigar and slap on some suspenders. 

also, at this very moment in time, 10:57 PM, i am visualizing a flawless photoshoot sequence involving loafers, a fake mustache, and a deck of cards. 

initiation

phase one of my blog begins now. 

i don't expect anyone to read this. 

i just like to pretend that i have something genuinely ridiculous to say at all times.